


We Are Powerless

by jigokunooji



Series: BMTH [2]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Oliver Sykes - Freeform, Plot Twists, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 09:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17485916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jigokunooji/pseuds/jigokunooji
Summary: You are put into a hospital after a suicide attempt and although you meet a lot of nice people, something seems off about the guy with blonde hair and tattoos though.





	We Are Powerless

~ y/n's POV ~

 

It wasn't too long that I got out of the hospital. The doctor told me I should still be careful though in case something happened that would cause my brain injury to get worse. I remembered small things like what my house looked like or what color my car is, I just couldn't remember people's names and my relation to them. I only remember that guy the last visited me. He was a tall handsome guy with lots of tattoos but what he said stuck.

 

"It's me Oliver, your boyfriend. How could you forget me?"

 

I remember the look on his face before he suddenly left. He looked hurt. Could he really of been my boyfriend? If he was, he hasn't visited me since then. 

 

~

 

When I arrived home everything felt so weird. It felt like something was missing but I wasn't sure what. Something in my mind told me checking social media will give me the answer I'm looking for. I take out my phone and open up Twitter and there it was. Tons of people tagging me but the only thing that stood out from everything was the tweet Oli posted just a few days ago saying "Goodbye." I switch to the mentions tab to see what people were saying to me and it was not good.

 

"How does it feel knowing you ruined Oliver and now he can never come back..."?

 

"How are you going to whine about hate and then go and cause someone to kill themselves? You really are a fucked up individual"

 

"Fuck you! I knew you were no good for Oli but your manipulative ass convinced him you were innocent."

 

I couldn't stop the tears that were coming. It was my fault. I was the reason he killed himself and it frustrated me that I wasn't completely sure why. I go around the whole house in search of pills and couldn't find anything until I reached the bedroom. Going back in for the first time in a while brought back some old memories and it hurt knowing there will no longer be anymore and I will forever be hated for his death. I look through drawers until I find a bottle of pills. I pour the whole thing in my hand and try to swallow as many as I can. After sitting and crying for a bit, my chest begins to hurt and I find it hard to breathe. I grab my phone and dial 911 in panic, telling the operator I swallowed a bunch of pills and that I can barely breathe because my chest hurts.

 

They ask me a few questions before telling me the ambulance is on their way and to stay on the phone until they arrive. I felt myself starting to go unconscious but fought as hard as I could to stay awake but right as I heard the pounding on the door, I went unconscious. 

 

~

 

I woke up in the hospital. I was cold and confused. How did the manage to get in my house? Did I leave the door unlocked? Not too long after, a nurse came in and smile at me before speaking. 

 

"Someone will be in shortly to ask you questions. Until then, how are you feeling? Do you need anything? Food? A blanket?"

 

I sit up a bit, "a blanket would be nice, thanks." 

 

She nods her head a bit before putting things on a nearby counter and leaving the room. I bring my legs up to my chest and look around. Everything felt so weird and my mind kept going back to the thought of me being the reason Oli killed himself. Was I that horrible of a person that he felt life simply wasn't worth living anymore? I found it hard to believe since I didn't feel like I was a bad person at all but at the same time I knew anything was possible and I could possibly be the cause of his suicide.

 

The nurse along with a man wearing suit pants and a dress shirt comes in and the man sits at the edge of the bed while the nurse brings me a blanket and leaves.

 

"So y/n, I know why you're here but I don't know the reason behind it so if you're comfortable, could you explain it so I can understand?"

 

The question left me in a blank state. How was I supposed to explain that someone who may or may not be my bf committed suicide and it's my fault so I see no purpose in living? He might think oddly of me or try to tell me I'm crazy. I wish I could have gotten my last doctor, he would have understood my situation or at least more than what my current doctor does.

 

"I had found out some news about a past lover, and it really put me in shock so I tried to end my life," I say in a soft tone, looking down at my hands.

 

"Well, that's not good. What happened to him?" 

 

"He committed suicide...a lot of people are harassing me for it like it's my fault. I don't even understand any of it."

 

The doctor stayed quiet for a bit and put his head down. Has he lost someone close as well? It's not usual that doctors react this way, they usually have to keep their cool no matter what.

 

"I'm sorry you have to deal with something like that, losing a loved one and then having people make you feel like it's your fault." He says as he picks his 

 

"It's not often that it happens but you're not the only one. We are here though to help you get through it. There will be a paramedic coming in soon, they're going to transfer you to a mental facility called Voor Zielen Hospital where there are lots of people dealing with the same thing you are."

 

I pick at the string from the blanket. "I'm guessing I don't have a choice," which came out more of a statement than a question.

 

"It's only going to be for a little while. Just until the nurses there believe you are ready to be discharged. Until then you are just going to have to be patient, okay?"

 

It was silent for quite some time. He was probably expecting me to give a response but when I didn't he spoke up again. 

 

"Do you have a friend or family member that could bring you clothes and personal items for your stay at the hospital?"

 

"No...I don't have anybody."

 

"Okay, then what I'll have you do is go back to your house, grab some of your belongings and come back here. You'll go to emergency and paramedics will be waiting to transfer you to the hospital. Sound good?"

 

I sighed before finally agreeing and thanking the doctor. Things were going to be tough but I had no choice, I was just going to have to get through it and hope for the best. 

 

Before I leave I grab my phone try to find the exit but just end up lost and having to ask a nearby nurse where the exit is. She points me in the direction of where I was just at so I thank her and mentally curse myself for being stupid. 

 

When I finally find and reach the exit, the cold air all came at once so I was freezing by the time I had got to my car. I don't know why I just don't buy a pair of gloves and a scarf, that way I'll be nice and warm on days like this. Although it won't matter at the moment since I'll be stuck in a hospital for who knows how long. Maybe I made a mistake calling them. If I didn't call them would I have actually died though? Or would I just be suffering in pain then "sleep it off" like most people say works?

 

I made it back home quicker than usual since the surprising lack of traffic today and when I get inside I grab everything I can think of that I would need: shirts, pants, undergarments, toothbrush, toothpaste, purse/wallet, soap, shampoo. I double and triple checked and still felt as if I was missing something. The longer I stayed and thought the more I felt panicked and rushed because I knew the ambulance was waiting for me back at the hospital. 

 

After about 10 minutes, I decided fuck it and just bring all the stuff I could remember and if I remembered later on, oh well. 

 

The drive back to the hospital was nerve-wracking and mentally I wasn't prepared. It felt like the closer I got to the hospital, the more I just wanted to turn around and go back home but it was too late. I was already at the hospital and the paramedics were patiently waiting for me. I park my car and get out, making sure I grab my things before and head over to the paramedics. 

 

"Hi y/n, you feeling alright?" One of the paramedics asks, who is very tall and slender. He has facial hair but still looks fairly young, like he just got out of college.

 

"I'm alright just really really nervous."

 

"I'm sure you'll be okay. Don't think of it as a scary place, think of it as a peaceful place where people are there to help you." 

 

I sigh. I'm sure part of what he's saying is true but I just couldn't shake the feeling of being there. "Okay," I say before climbing into the back of the ambulance where we head off to the facility.

 

Time Skip

 

After getting to the facility and talking to what felt like 1000 doctors and social workers a therapist came in. 

 

"Hi y/n, I'm Allison. I'm one of the therapists here, is it okay if I ask you a few questions? It's for evaluation."

 

"Yeah, sure."

 

She pulls out a chair and sits down in front of me. "So how are you on a scale of one to ten today?

 

"7"

 

"Okay, do you want to talk about why you're a 7 today?"

 

I look down at the ground not sure what to say. "I guess...like I'm kinda okay. I feel I'm doing fine but...I don't know. I feel like I drove someone to suicide and I can't get it out of my mind. People on the internet who must have really looked up to him have been harassing me about it. I just don't know."

 

She writes something in her notes before going on to the next question.

 

"Have you ever self-harmed?

 

"Yes..." I feel ashamed to even say it.

 

"What about skipping meals? Have you ever skipped meals?"

 

"No."

 

She writes again before clicking her pen and getting up. "Okay, well that's all the questions I have for today. Thank you y/n for being cooperative."

 

"Yep."

 

 

After the therapist left I was finally able to settle in and relax. I felt super anxious by the number of people that were here but I just had to remind myself that it really won't be as bad as I think. Luckily my roommate was kinda nice and is in here for the same reason as me so I didn't feel alone.

 

I didn't get to know her a lot yet because of all the doctors I was talking to but I did find out that she's 23 and her name is Samantha. Her style is very different than mine, as she like very dark and gloomy things and I have more of a minimalistic aesthetic which I guess is fine just as long as our personalities don't clash. 

 

After hours of talking to and getting to know Samantha, it was time for dinner. The facility was a bit big so I had a little trouble finding the cafeteria but when I did, I was surprised at how big it was. There were about 4 rows of tables and everyone was just scattered around. After getting my food, I decide to sit near the back by the windows. The food didn't look appetizing at all but what can you expect from a mental facility? 

 

I wasn't really paying much attention to anyone around me because too many people gave me anxiety so I tried to focus my attention on what was going on outside until someone had tapped me on the shoulder. I turn my attention to whoever it was and see a tall guy with blonde buzzed hair and a lot of tattoos standing over me.

 

"Oh, hey," I say with a smile. "What's up?"

 

"y/n, I'm Oliver, Oliver Sykes. Can I sit and talk to you for a bit?"

 

I was a little confused as to who this person is. He can't be a doctor because he is in normal clothes and has tattoos all down his arms and on his neck but if he's a patient as well as me how would he know my name if I wasn't even here a full day?

 

"Yeah, go ahead."

 

He sits down on the seat next to me and lets out a sigh. "I know you don't remember me because you hit your head but I just want to explain to you." He paused for a minute to let me speak but when I didn't he continued. "I was your boyfriend at one point, don't know about now but we were together and you were on your way to my show when you hit your head. Do you remember a few months back when you went to see a doctor that day? Do you remember how you hit your head?"

 

Trying to remember what happened was giving me a headache but I remember hitting my head and how but I do not remember where I was going or why I was going there. I don't know if I could believe what he was saying. He said he was my boyfriend at one point but he looked different than the guy at the hospital who said the same thing. I remember the guy at the hospital having a lot of tattoos just like Oliver but I just don't know.

 

"Could you give me some time to process this? All of this thinking is hurting my head and right now I just want to be alone, I'm sorry." 

 

He gave a sad, disappointed look but said okay and got up and left. At this point, I didn't even want to eat but I knew they were giving meds after so I wanted to have something in my stomach so I wasn't nauseous. I ate then left to go find my room. 

 

Through the halls, there were tons of paintings and pictures people must have taken. It was peaceful and quiet, which I liked. I always used to think photography was something I wanted to do one day but I don't know about now. Surprisingly, when I get to the end of the hall, my room is to the left so after I'm given my meds, I spend the rest of the day my room.

 

Time Skip

 

After weeks of being in the hospital, I was completely over it. Everyday felt like torture and it was starting to get boring.  The only good part about it was I had made some progress with my memory, not so much with my mental health though. I was able to recall older memories and people I have met. Remembering the situation with people sending me hate was frustrating and made my depression worse because I could still not figure out who I was truly with. Everyone said I drove him to suicide but I am having someone claim to be Oliver, who looks different than the guy at the hospital say we've dated and I just didn't know. I feel like somewhere there is something not being communicated and I need answers.

 

I decided I would go to Oliver's room and ask to talk to him. To find out the truth and what to do when I get it. When I get to his room I found him sitting on the floor outside his room writing in a notebook. He wasn't paying much attention to what was going on so I sit down next to him and that's when he looks up from his notebook.

 

"You alright?" He says putting down his notebook and pen, shifting a bit towards me.

 

"Yeah, I'm okay. I was just thinking and there is something I am confused about. I need answers."

 

"Go on." He looks confused but interested.

 

I remember the situation. People gave me hate...even after I got out of the hospital. They said I drove you to suicide but here you are, different and alive. You got buzzed blonde hair but the guy at the hospital...He had kinda long brown hair. I don't know what to believe, what to say, I just need answers."

 

He was silent for a bit. I don't know why he wasn't saying anything. Didn't he know?

 

"Look, you are right. After what happened at the hospital...I was heartbroken. You didn't know who I was and you didn't want me near you. I wanted to help you but I couldn't. I figured once you got better, you would never know who I was. I thought you go out make new memories with someone else, someone who wasn't me. I tried to commit suicide but all it did was make living hell for me. It was on social media, the news. Everyone knew and I felt embarrassed knowing I failed at trying to take my own life. I wanted to hide and get away from everyone so I shaved and bleached my hair and put myself in this facility. I feel quite happy here but I know eventually I have to go back. It just feels great having a break from everything and everyone.

 

I honestly had no words. I got the answers I was looking for but I felt bad. This was someone I probably spent a good part of my life with and I don't remember any of it. I feel even worse because although it's not my fault what happened, I feel like I'm responsible for him trying to commit suicide.

 

The silence was kinda awkward so I just said the first thing that came to mind. "You look really good with your new hairstyle."

 

"Thanks...not sure if it's something I completely like but it's different."

 

"I think it suits you." 

 

"Yeah..."

 

Time Skip

 

~ Oli's POV ~

 

It's been a couple weeks since I been out of the hospital and a few days for y/n. Her memory has gotten a bit better since then but still has a ways to go. The therapist visits about 3 times a week but I'm glad I get to help as well. I feel responsible for what happened. If I didn't leave her alone, none of this would have happened and we would be happy together. I know she doesn't trust me completely just yet but her giving me a chance really has made me a lot happier than I was before. 

 

I go in the room to check on her and she is sound asleep, now I can sleep well knowing she's safe.


End file.
